And I Won't Let Go
by Griselda Banks
Summary: Oneshot. Some Parental RoyEd, no yaoi. Edward Elric, suicidal? Surely not....


**Author's Note: This fic originated with a conversation I had about a chapter of my fic "A Hundred Ways To Say You're My Brother", the chapter "Heiki (weapon) and Heiki (fine)". The friend I was talking to expressed a desire to see what other characters' reactions to the events in that chapter were. This is my attempt to do so, and I may as well say right now that I have never been in this kind of situation before. I'm not speaking from experience at all, so I have no idea if this is realistic or dreadfully out of proportion. This was just what came when I tried to imagine myself into such a position. You can tell me if it worked.**

**_For Bizzy_**

**_

* * *

_**

_This is the last night you'll spend alone_

_Look me in the eyes so I know you know_

_I'm everywhere you want me to be_

_The last night you'll spend alone_

_I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go_

_I'm everything you need me to be_

_- "The Last Night" by Skillet_

Maes Hughes cursed himself mentally as he hurried down the hall behind Lieutenant Hawkeye. How could he have been so _stupid?_ He always prided himself on being able to read people at a moment's notice – but then, pride always comes before a fall. Maes had always assumed such a fall would be one he suffered himself. This wasn't fair! He should be the one suffering for his own mistakes, not someone else.

He should have seen it coming. He should have known the moment Edward Elric showed up in his office that something was wrong. For starters, Edward had never even been to his office before. Maes had always gone to _him_ instead. And the look on his face, the distant sound of his voice, the ephemeral gleam in his eye, they should all have suggested the truth to him. He should have been able to see how fake that plastered-on smile was, should have realized that if Edward was truly cheerful, he would have called Maes names and breezed through the office like a small whirlwind.

But the truth was that Maes had never imagined that Edward Elric would do anything like this. He had always thought of the kid as resilient, pressing on no matter what. Edward had been through so much, but he was always so determined to press on. Maes realized belatedly that even the famous Full Metal Alchemist could reach the end of his limits. He had hit a wall, and apparently it had crushed him so much that he didn't think he could pick himself up.

Such a notion had been so inconceivable to Maes that he had given Edward one of his throwing knives without a second thought. After all, he _did_ owe the kid a lot. He had asked what Edward wanted the knife for, and Edward had replied, _"Just something I have to do."_ Maes cursed himself again. He could still see the serene look on Edward's face as he fingered the knife, then slipped it into his belt out of sight.

_I shouldn't have given it to him,_ Maes decided. _I should've demanded to know what he was going to do with it. Maybe then this wouldn't have happened._ But even as he told himself this, he knew that wasn't true. Edward would have found another way – strangling himself with the chain of his pocketwatch, swallowing a whole bottle of the pain medicine the hospital had him on, jumping off the roof of the hospital. Heck, he could even have transmuted one of the fingers of his right hand into a point and driven it through his skull. For someone as creative as Edward, the world was full of tools.

That didn't stop Maes from feeling guilty. He might as well have tried to kill the boy himself. Couldn't he have stopped Edward before it was too late? Couldn't he have offered help – a bit of comfort, some fatherly advice perhaps? _We all care about you, Edward,_ he wanted to say. _Life is worth living, so keep holding on. We want to help you. Just ask us._

Maes wondered if he would ever get a chance to actually say that.

* * *

Riza Hawkeye fretted to herself as she hurried down the hallway behind Colonel Mustang. What had begun as a normal day in the office had turned into one that she sensed would change her life. It was like the whole world had ended in one moment, and though she knew it would start up again, nothing would truly be the same ever again.

Before today, she had looked at the Elric brothers with respect, and certain degree of understanding. She could see something of herself in the way they went about their lives. She, too, had faced many setbacks in her life, and it had been all she could do to rise to her feet again and move on. Like them, she had been forced to become an adult before she had really grown up. She had been beaten down so many times, but each time she made herself get back up again, because there was someone who needed her to be strong. And the Elric brothers were the same; she sensed the only reason they persevered was because they knew they had to – for each other.

Riza supposed the reason she was so surprised now was because she had expected them to be just like her. She had expected them to remain strong for years upon years. For most of her life, she had encountered setbacks and struggled to remain strong, because she knew she was needed, that without her one man's dream would be so shattered that perhaps it could never be put back together again. That was even more the case with the Elrics; without Edward, Alphonse would not only be heartbroken, but completely unable to go on with his life and dreams. Couldn't Edward see that?

But Riza tried to put herself in Edward's position. The past four years had been a constant series of dead ends for the brothers. Only a few days ago, their most promising breakthrough into the Philosopher's Stone had proved itself to be the biggest dead end of all, according to Hughes. They had ended up in the hospital, beaten and bedraggled. Riza tried to imagine what it would be like if Colonel Mustang thought he was close to becoming Fuhrer, only to end up Major Mustang again.

And Riza realized that if something like that happened, and kept on happening for four years straight…she might think about ending it all too.

She had never realized how close Edward must have been to breaking point all these years. When she had caught him going through her guns, she had been puzzled over his sudden interest in them, but it had never entered her mind that he might want to use one on himself. She would never look at him the same way again. From this day forward, whenever she would see him with a gun her mind would always flit back to this day. He would never be the immovable Edward Elric who always pressed on no matter what. Now he had become a fragile human being, who would shatter if dropped.

Now he was just like her.

* * *

Roy Mustang's heart pounded as he hurried down the hallway to the Elrics' dormitory room. He tried to keep back the terror licking at his heels, tried to tell himself that everything was going to be all right. But the lie tasted sour in his mind. How could anything be all right now?

He felt as though someone had punched him in the stomach. Everything had been just fine this morning, hadn't it? Then, right after lunch, the whole world came crashing to an end in an enormous conflagration like a volcano erupting. But no, that wasn't right. There had been something wrong the whole day, a tiny worry nagging at the back of his mind that he ignored all too easily.

Edward had come in at his usual late hour, but without the breathless bluster Roy had become accustomed to. _"Glad to see you've finally learned how to close a door without slamming it,"_ Roy had commented sarcastically, but instead of a sharp retort Edward had only handed in his report and stood waiting patiently to be dismissed. Roy had made several of his usual teasing comments, but even when he mentioned Edward's height the boy just stood there calmly, wearing what might be considered a tiny smile. Roy had been so unnerved by this uncharacteristic behavior that he had dismissed Edward early.

Throughout the day, Roy had managed to shake off Edward's unnatural behavior pretty well. But when he had come back to the office after lunch, he had found Hughes there talking with Hawkeye. _"Edward's been acting strange today,"_ they said, and the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach returned full force.

Then the phone rang with a call from Alphonse Elric. The deceptively calm words he had spoken still echoed in Roy's ear, chilling him and galvanizing him at the same time: _"My brother just tried to kill himself, and I don't know what to do."_

_Tried to kill himself.... _That didn't sound like Edward at all. Roy didn't want to believe that Edward was capable of such a thing. But he _had _just been through a discouraging succession of failures, and Roy knew all too well what exhaustion and disappointment could do to a man. _But he's just a boy. He shouldn't have to be dealing with all of this._

Despite how much he teased Edward and complained about him, Roy knew that deep down, he genuinely liked the boy. Edward had such potential! He was already a great alchemist, but Roy knew that by the time the child prodigy became a man, he would be brilliant. People would speak of him for decades. There would be books written about him, even long after his life's work was over. He could revolutionize the very foundations of alchemy, paving the way for thousands of alchemists to come. Roy had caught a glimpse of this greatness, like a whiff of spring carried along on the winter gale. And he had seen that when they had first met. Never before had Roy even heard of a successful soul transmutation, nor a mere child performing human transmutation of any kind. It was astounding, how successful Edward had been, and that he had even survived at all.

In the beginning, it had all been about himself. He had seen the genius in those eyes, and realized that if his name was behind such an alchemist, he would gain influence with his superiors. And so he had set it all up just so, making several daring gambles, to get Edward in a position where he would be allowed to apply to become a State Alchemist. Once the boy had achieved that goal, Roy had set him up with missions that would win him fame and direct that back on himself.

But gradually, as the years passed and he came to know Edward better and better, all of his scheming and plotting had faded to the back of his mind. Now he didn't care whether Edward's successes pushed him towards a promotion or not; he just wanted to see the boy reach his goal. He _cared_ about him. He wanted to see the metal limbs that gave him his name dissolve into the air. He wanted to see him smile, _really_ smile for once, to be at peace with his little brother.

And the thought of Edward lying cold and still on the floor was like looking into a deep, dark well that had no bottom. If that thought became real, he would fall in and never be able to scramble back up.

Roy came to a panting halt in front of the Elrics' door. He rapped insistently on the door, suddenly very conscious of Hughes and Hawkeye panting behind him. Had they run all the way here? He couldn't even remember.

The door slowly opened, revealing Alphonse's impassive metal face. Roy impatiently pushed the door all the way open and squeezed past the giant suit of armor. "Edward?" he asked sharply, scanning the small room as quickly as he could. He found himself approaching a figure hunched up on the green couch, clutching a blanket around himself like a cloak and staring at the floor.

Roy came to a stop in front of this forlorn-looking figure and tried to catch his breath. After a moment or two, the golden head slowly raised itself up, tilting slowly back to look up at him. His eyes were bloodshot, his face drawn and weary, listless and so tired of life he didn't care anymore what happened to him.

Rage suddenly burst into flame inside Roy's chest, and he grabbed the front of Edward's shirt, pulling him off the couch and into the air. "What do you think you were doing?" he demanded. "How _dare_ you attempt something like this! Do you realize how _worried_ we all are? You think we just don't care? Well, let me tell you something, Edward Elric! I _do_ care. I care so much it hurts! I know what it's like to feel worthless, as though nothing you do could ever be right, to feel that it would be better if you never existed, that we'd all be happier if you were gone. But that's not…Edward, if you died…."

Roy's voice broke, and he slowly lowered the boy back onto the couch, sinking down onto his knees in front of him. At first he tried to control himself, tried to squeeze his eyes shut and keep back the tears, but they found a way out anyway, and he found himself crying into Edward's lap.

For a while, the only thing Roy could hear was his own sobbing. He didn't care that he was making a spectacle of himself. He didn't care that, were the situation any less dire, Edward would tease him for the rest of his life. He could only think about the void that would balloon in his chest if Edward was gone, and the intense relief coursing through him at the knowledge that Alphonse had stopped him.

A tiny sniffle drew his attention away from himself. Looking up, Roy saw Edward drawing his sleeve across his eyes. When he lowered his arm, he let his automail hand rest on Roy's, gently prying it away from his shirt. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Roy looked into those golden eyes shot through with red, and knew he meant it.


End file.
